Life. Love. Everything.

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I've been busy with so many things and I felt that it's time for an update. Time for pictures of the most beautiful girl in the world!

This is BWAN LILA, my daughter.


Lila's Solo pics:





In the car with my Dad and friend:



And Lila again with my sisters.



More pics to follow soon! I missed this forum so much! Take care everyone!

Love,
Rai

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1. I will be a single mother soon. For real. As in. I am currently six months pregnant. Happy? Uh-huh. Contented? No.

2. HE left me.

3. I am not suicidal. I am frustrated, disappointed, lonely and sad. But I'm fine. I'm doing fine.

4. I am naming my daughter-to-be after myself. BWAN LILA. I'm excited about it.

5. Christmas was hell. Rejection is the worst feeling in the world.

6. To brighten up my day, someone told me, "Hey cheer up. Damo pa ngada it lalaki.
Single moms are hot in bed anyways..."

Nangatawa ak. Even when I'm not in bed, I'm still hottt.




_______________________

How could you... Oh well. Baka karma lang to ng pagiging masyadong maganda. At sexy. At matalino. At mabait. At ng obsessive self-love. Ooops.

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I've been floating the whole day wondering what to do. How to keep myself a bit busier, how to earn MORE money, how to keep in touch with friends, how to.. have a sex life? (that's out of the issue ) I've lived my life for 18 years, doing the same routine everyday-- wake up, go to school, go back straight home, read, sleep. Talk about boring.

So. What have I been up to lately? I went back to my usual sideline-- tutorials, even if it meant the possibility of failing ANOTHER major subject, because I had my sked a bit messed up. But oh well.. This is what I want to do. I'm also working for an IT company. (Sssssshhhhhh) It's not really the salary that I'm after. I just want to have something to do instead of doing nothing AT ALL. I remember Mama nagging at me ("Waray ka gamit didi ha balay!" Kay waray man lagi.. ) because I wasn't being 'productive'�. As if I already have my TOR to brag. I mean.. the! (duh! )She just still doesn't get it that I haven't finished school, for chrissake. Two years nala.. Kabaraka. But hey, I'm not blaming her. Perhaps I should really be p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e. For once, I want her to be proud of me. I'm her jewel. Her precious gem. Yeah, right.

Well anyway, mothers will be mothers, daughters will be daughters, etcetera, etcetera and another etcetera.

But I'm still Raianne. Whoever said I've changed anyway? Busy gad la..

I mean.. The!

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From being forgiven to forgiving. From being unconditionally loved to being unconditionally loving. From being redeemed to finding the redeeming qualities in others. From being rescued to putting my life on the line. But the wretch is still wretched, wearing his cross but not bearing it. Receiving new life but not dying to the old self (which, after all, did grow up a Christian). Believing but not trusting...even after all these years.

Heart Of Worship

when the music fades
and all is stripped away
and I simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart
i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required.
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear.
you're looking into my heart
i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you,
all about you, Jesus
i'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
when it's all about you,
all about you, Jesus
king of endless worth,
no one could express
how much you deserve.
though I'm weak and poor
all I have is yours,
every single breath


And so, I shall change the words of the song-- not to make them politically correct, as some are in the habit of doing-- but to correct myself, which starts with admitting that my "heart of worship" is not all about Him as it should be, but is still very much, too much, about me.

________________________________

Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

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When I was a child, I wasn't very good at doing homework. It just wasn't my thing. Mama knew this, and would walk by my and my sister's room (because we shared one) in the afternoons to make sure she could hear me typing, or see me writing on a sheet of paper. I realized that it didn't matter what I was writing or typing on the computer, as long as Mama heard typing, or saw me writing. So I began to write little stories and skits, instead of doing homework. And mom was none the wiser. Until she got my report card. That didn't go well.

Let me make this clear: I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULDN'T DO YOUR HOMEWORK. In life, you have to do the stuff you have to do before you can do the stuff you want to do. If you do that long enough, the stuff you have to do becomes the stuff you want to do.

Anyhow, the stories and skits I wrote turned into short plays, which I ended up entering in local playwriting contests. I won a few, and decided I wanted to go to college to learn how to write plays as well as I possibly could. I was lucky enough to get little writing jobs after that. Little, just little. And that's how it all went. The whole process took about 9 years, which means I've been doing this roughly half of my life. For some people, it takes longer. It's a real commitment, and you have to like it a lot.

Also, I'm really not very good at anything else. Not even anything about computers. But then eventually, I'm taking up Computer Science. I'm busy with programming and the like. It doesn't make much sense, does it?

Great. Just great.

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I remember all the times when I wanted my life to end.. And thinking of you now, I thank God for having plans other than mine..


Next To You
Kenny Rankin & Dan Siegal

if i had me a bag of good wishes
there's no mystery to what i would do
i would use all my magical powers
and try to get next to you

i would bring you a field of flowers
as your lucky star would do
with my heart i would paint you a rainbow
if i could get next to you

there's so much we can share
however far too long

we both know that there's so much here
this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
dreamin' i'm next to you

this is where i belong

late at night when i close my eyes
make believin' that you are here
dreamin' of the things we do
if i could get next to you

in my mind, ooh ooh, i have kissed you
and it feels like a thousand times
i'd lose track of all the hours
wishing and hoping
that i could get next to you


_________________________________

Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou. It won't come off easily.

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I'm not saying I hate retards. Criticizing something or someone doesn't mean you hate it. I never really hated retards, not until this retard came along messing with me and saying more than this retard ought to. A retard needs all the understanding the world could ever give, I know. But this retard I'm talking about has gone way beyond the line, so perhaps a bit of skepticism won't hurt, because after all, this retard has done a million times as much.

As I was saying, this retard has done everything, and I mean everything to get everyones attention. This retard has been very good at that. Making alibis, talking shits and at the same time talking heaven to gain some people's pity. Job well done, should I say. I was on the verge of tears when I read one of this retard's posts, poor retard. This retard surely needs a shoulder to cry on. But this retard more badly needs a doctor. Too bad I can't do the job. I hate nursing people. Especially retards.

This retard is so good in swearing that I was under the impression that this retard took up some swearing subject in whatever unlucky school this retard belongs. I hate swearing, you see. I swear at the back of my mind, but I never swear in front of people, so none of my friends would know that I swear. Or that I even know how. Unless they managed to figure it out on their own. Incidentally, when I joined singing contests in school, I never told my family either. So that they won't know that I could sing. Eh?

Anyway, I won't say anything more. I bet the retard is crying now. An intelligent, poor retard this retard is. And as I've always said, I hate people without breeding. In this retard's case, I think this RETARD left it somewhere.

Pieces of shit and all, RETARD.

____________________________________

You're a celebrity now. Don't forget to thank me when we cross paths again, Retard.

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I need a hug.